God is the artist, how do I start this?

All of my mistakes were me… but all of the good things I played no part in. Listening to life is how I know the Holy Spirit guides me. All of my acts of defiance kept me trapped in a pattern. Despite how hard I worked, we didn't work out— so nothing mattered.

It gets clearer when I look back and see all of the times I ignored God when he made an appearance or staged an interference.

 I am on a ship, and God is steering.

 I thank you, God, for the freedom because there lies no fear here-in.

Thank you for my peace, which surpasses my understanding.

 I thank you daily because, despite all my running away, when I was in my darkest corner, you saw-- and you still loved me.

I can’t slow down cause then the thoughts catch up… if I'm not creating constantly, I am being consumed. On a daily, I feel stuck, but the feeling is unassumed.

My fragrance is flagrant, and I am fatigued by the fumes… God can see past my pound of perfume and my eyedrops. If I slow down, I stop… so no, this isn’t about a job, title, or career. This is about the thoughts that are present when Jesus’s presence is near.

(( Mis polvos son solo en en mi trago de pre-entreno. No existe privacidad en mi cuarto, hago mis oraciones en alto... Y cuando quiero alivianarme, en mi cuarto a solas me corto el pelo… alivio mi corazón llorando y gritando para que no me dé un paro cardiaco.

Es lo mismo sopa que ajiaco? No es lo mismo amonia que amoniaco.

(Ammonia vs. ammonium ion… similar chemical makeup but different electrons… we are one organic blemish away from chemical chaos) Some things react with hydrogen, others with oxygen…. It’s the basis of life but the primary component of all explosives… in explosions, oxygen and steam are primary products… I’ve run out of salt for the reservoir of water in my tear ducts. Tears no longer slide down softly; they suddenly erupt until a blood vessel ruptures. My nightmares are just replays of memories that feel like torture to remember. I keep forgetting to surrender.

I have dreams of the rapture…. The direction in which those thoughts came from and the direction it is going in is hard to capture.

Even with the facts at hand, it's hard to stay factual.

God is present in actions

When the stress picks up, my hunger loses traction, so of course, I want to vomit, but there’s nothing within me but the pit in my stomach.

My abdominal muscles are defined by the stress that I hide and the secrets that suppress my appetite — no, it’s alright, I’ll be the bearer of bad news.

 I came to live the life that was destined for me, I'm not here to pick and choose. No substance, even when abused, be it cortisol release, herbs, or fermented grape juice... will produce the feelings induced by the path that God carved with his hands for you.

Instincts are internal reminders that within us, God placed a timer. He's a clockmaker, and like clockwork, his timing is perfect so that all things may happen divinely.

Sometimes, the entire purpose of an event is to awaken the inkling within us that drives us to inquisition. When erratic things happen, you're supposed to look deeper (within) -- the external elements cannot erase sin from your system. God points things out to you for your correction, and you insist on resisting.

Only God, in his quiet blissful portal of sleep, can guide us through the abyss and piece us together overnight.

July 2023