crash out??

Actually, i crashed in.

LAST NIGHT I STEPPED ON A LANDMINE AND DIED IN MY DREAM.

Turns out that once you hear the click— you’re already in deep sh*t. There is no balance transfer on the scale of life. This morning, I woke up at 5:15 AM— I felt so alive. For about four or five seconds I praised you— I know, God, hold the applause.

But God, five seconds with you and I move through the day knowing I could cut any loss.

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My manifestations unfold so delicately that it has to be planned. I am so grateful for another chance to succeed at the sound of my alarm.

My most private thoughts are so pure. I thank God for kindness in the face of the things I have had to endure. I re-read my journal daily; I am laughing at my last written thought before bed because it brought me joy!!

I said, “why do i ask for one milli if i could ask for two…”

God, look at me? LOOK AT YOU.

The almighty— you give me tools and I use them against ME. It is frightening.

Sometimes, I forget it’s not my battle and I’m not supposed to be fighting.

When the enemy couldn’t reach he sent me this cellphone— God I hear you, I have to be not only cautious, but also careful.

In the drive-thru, an ice cream cone at McDonald’s is $2.19. I hand them $2.20 and I wait for my change back. What do I look like giving a millionaire a penny? As far as my “sweet treats”, I think I’ve had plenty. It seems that the fuller I get only reveals that, inside, I’m still empty.

God— I get off the hotline, even if staying connected is tempting.

The dopamine depletes quickly and the cortisol kills you slowly… Why does it feel the same as being in a burning building when I remember the old me?

To regulate a nervous system is a full time job— to fit the persona I lost 12 pounds and cut my hair down to a bob. Turns out, even if I look like a frigid bitch, the anxiety doesn’t simply switch off.

…. Ramble

Yes, I’m a girl and it’s painstaking to see a higher number when I step up on a scale but I guess it’s worse to never try than to fail… So I take “progress pictures” but in reality it’s just photos of myself getting progressively fuller in the face – so what now? Give up on my dreams like a disgrace?

My lowest effort is still up to standards, even in my lowest days. People match you where you are, so from most I’m very far. In the past four years, I’ve had four new cars and I run into work, on call, and rack up the mileage on my whips till the secondary trauma hits.

Disturbing experiences create distress – when I’m on automatic, I perform my best. I’m like a machine I function according to my code – my DNA doesn’t distinguish the difference between a trigger and trauma as it unfolds. I detox in the sauna and get my K plus from ripened bananas, and I have the privilege to cry whenever I wanna.

Be careful with what you disclose and the details of your stories – demons can be passed through verbal demonstrations. The data doesn’t lie —thoughts are abundant and distracting. Am I really in panic or is my brain just re-enacting?

Losses can be real, or imagined. Still, it feels silly to suffer over something that never really happened – even when things feel bad, there is always a certainty that everything in this world belongs to God.

With trauma, too much excitement can translate into a lack of trust, which turns a connection from a strong metal to brittle rust. Attachments can cause you to rise or to crumble – if you get attached all the time too quickly, separations will leave you sickly and weak, if you never get attached then you may never experience emotions that may catapult you into your much-needed catharsis. It’s hard to figure out where the balance is.

Even if I never wear white in church or cathedral and hold my love by the hand, my visions are still grand. I still hope to have hormones of growth and healing be released straight from my adrenal glands. Depression is a diagnosis and sadness is a state of mind – why would I sit sad in the world when God already told me all I want is mine. A decline in a mood or change of patterns, and phantom feelings of guilt are only several sectors that are intersected by trauma – sometimes you feel something even if you don’t wanna.

Boundaries help us feel balled up and bundled in areas where we feel safe enough to take up space. Losing track of reality is called psychosis, withdrawal for weed starts about a week after last use – so once I stop, I pray to God for my brain to produce the stimulants that I forced in through my airways. My lowest points are my greatest segways. God is consistent, and he freely teaches us about the consequences of nature.

I found that you don’t have to leave the country to travel – you don’t need a rope to unravel. The pit in my belly has slowly, but surely calmed down – the constant cortisol release only deepens the lines of my frowns. All things fall into order slowly, but surely. Still, that doesn’t negate that the thoughts can consume me, and even paralyze me. Even when things get hard, if we stay two steps ahead of our issues, then they’ll never catch us off guard.

Most things to me, feel like common knowledge, but that’s because I had a strong foundation. I thank God and my parents for bringing me to this nation – moreover, I thank God and Florida State for my secondary education. A state of prayer is akin to a state of meditation – the word of God creates a state of reparations within our cells. Where we go from here, we cannot tell.

Trust in God’s every move is vital because turbulent times can knock us out of homeostasis. Living life is like writing a thesis without prior research. The truth is that experiences can sometimes be painful, but because something hurts doesn’t mean it can’t be helpful.

I ended my stage of early adolescence at 21 years old, but I started to feel bold way before. You think I’d outgrow the characteristics of living only in the present; often I behave like I have no object permanence. Impulsivity and poor judgment is seen during early adolescence, still as an adult I struggle to differentiate what “is”, and what “isn’t”. Emotional fluctuation never ends, so what’s the use in trying to pretend that I’m always unaffected.

God, who is out of this world, never leaves us, still, sometimes we feel both unseen and see-through.

Sometimes, in this world, we are all alone – often times I don’t hear a ring on my phone. There is magic and mystery in listened to by no one, and when no one else is listening or available to talk, all I hear are my own thoughts.

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Yesterday, in the meeting with corporate officials, I partook in unofficial business – I was neither in one place, nor the other – in that moment I was only in my head, screaming “prayer“: GOD DO YOU HEAR ME? MAKE HIM STOP TALKING!!! (still the man talked for 2 hours)

Sure, I freak out about everything, all the time, like a coward. Chill out Marvelys, all things will be fine. God forgave me yesterday for today’s sin – the sunrise is directly at my feet. My big square window reveals tall trees, and a small body of water – so I already WIN from the moment I open my eyes, thus nothing else matters.

The man says “they are alone in the world with no one at all” ….the kids that i care for, he says, “nobody wants them”. I know it’s true, so for my burden to care for them I’m truly honored. The system is notorious for being inconsistent. I hold back tears that well up as he speaks about how kids are homeless for weeks at a time – 60% of kids in the system end up dead or in jail.  I’m sure the other 40% fight demons as well.

When I’m nervous, my vision blurs, and I can’t tell apart letters … I don’t always need words to look at something differently. Yesterday at Walmart, I had an epiphany – there isn’t an “unknown” reason why I’m alone – it’s only because I want to be. If i open up to anyone I’m afraid they’ll be on to me — I’m afraid that they’ll notice I’m not who I want to be.

Sure, a tropical vacation may be beneficial in some situations, except I’m indebted to school and my perpetual servitude to consumerism. Sure, I splurge, and say “YOLO” and go do things solo, but sometimes I regret it. I gained 10 pounds on my winter escapades, consequently, I spent more money last month than what I made. Incongruencies in the space/time continuum are a match made in hell; it’s explosive like a microwave and aluminum.

Spontaneous combustion can happen anytime – all things can change on a dime. I thank God when I feel bad, good or simply “fine” even though I always feel like crying. The running off to explore feels like healing but really is just me trying to integrate all of my experiences into something “new”.

New emotions is something only the creative faculties of the brain can create so memories are a wasted effort to recycle past failures. Sometimes, unknown is better.

There you go God… the list of my turmoil… I hope you’re hearing it.

I had so much on my chest, thank you for clearing it.

Amen. 🤍

Dec 2023 —-& —- Dec 2024 Entries